Grew up asian, we surely known for the asian parenting style particularly in the most diverse country in the world. We have been taught to be have a high tolerant for almost everything. Just like finger prints, every live creature must have something distinctive which distinguish them from crowd. We don’t talk about race or skin color, I am not an American, it is the human characters.
My family comes from the east, so their dialog or way of expression is a bit expressive than the place we live now. I should say their tone is harsh but they do not mean to, it is just the way they talk. They like to do straight-forward talk, while the culture we live is just an antipode. So yeah, they should make adaption to survive.
In case of avoiding the miss communication, there are two ways my parents told me to do as we speak to people in my town.
Firstly, as you think, they asked me to lower the tone when speaking. It was the easiest way for children to do. This is very common manner when we grow up to speak politely mostly to another person. I was wondering why do the east people like to have a high tone when speaking. Is it because they live in the coast? Because of the wave sound is disturbing so they have to shout at each other. Or just because it is cultured? But I do not really thing it is a bad practice, as long as they understand each other, all gonna be fine.
Secondly, yes you guess it, I had been told to say sorry before delivering something that might be sensitive. Yes, I can deal with. But then it grows from sensitive to almost everything. Yet, from 26 years I live, I can conclude “Saying sorry” has become the culture of this civilian. It grows from family value to the professionalism, at work. It is such a good culture I think, actually it shapes the manner. Besides, it does not really affect the way I speak today, I still can speak comfort and honest. But seeing the culture I grow up with it becomes more interesting despite the good effect.
When you live in Java, I am pretty sure you have heard this before “Nggak enakan” or “Ewuh pekewuh”. Basically it is translating the word reluctant for the sake of justification. This culture maintains the values of politeness even though the practice is sometimes misguided. For example, in case of ewuh pekewuh, some people is hard to say No when asked for something wrong or bad.
Because of this, sometimes I say yes almost to everything, it does not effect the way I speak, but the behavior. Sometimes my friends told me the same case, just like when someone asked them to do favor they hardly to refuse because the one who asked is might be older or someone they respect. This often happens in every day life, and it is toxic for some people.
The thing you could do to avoid this undesireable feeling is by building the self-boundarise or also known as personal boundaries. It is a line that marks a person’s personal, physical, emotional and mental space. These boundaries differentiate one’s self and others to help maintain one’s comfort, sense of security, and personal integrity. Yet we talk it later.
